![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
( Read more... )
i sit down
and try to write poems,
odes, accolades, serenades,
about you, for you,
but i can't.
how do i start? where do i start?
at the tentative beginning,
when we were still strangers,
throwing words into
a white text box,
into the void, for all we knew,
waiting for a response
from someone potentially
halfway across the world?
or do i start at the revival of a beginning,
when you first sent me that text,
putting your heart into
a solitary sentence,
like a message in a bottle,
save for the ways
it contained everything else?
or do i start
later, later
when we joked about
fandoms and characters,
fictional narratives and fictional lives,
and breached carefully
what society says is taboo
about ourselves, our narratives,
our ugly bruises and old scars
that they tell us we should hide?
or do i start here?
when you read this?
when i try to figure my feelings into words,
that indescribable mess
of someone trying to find
three hundred and six ways
to say
i love you?
and try to write poems,
odes, accolades, serenades,
about you, for you,
but i can't.
how do i start? where do i start?
at the tentative beginning,
when we were still strangers,
throwing words into
a white text box,
into the void, for all we knew,
waiting for a response
from someone potentially
halfway across the world?
or do i start at the revival of a beginning,
when you first sent me that text,
putting your heart into
a solitary sentence,
like a message in a bottle,
save for the ways
it contained everything else?
or do i start
later, later
when we joked about
fandoms and characters,
fictional narratives and fictional lives,
and breached carefully
what society says is taboo
about ourselves, our narratives,
our ugly bruises and old scars
that they tell us we should hide?
or do i start here?
when you read this?
when i try to figure my feelings into words,
that indescribable mess
of someone trying to find
three hundred and six ways
to say
i love you?
it's hard to explain and simple at once. sometimes the world is too loud. too bright. too much. it used to only happen when you were forced into a schedule and close-quarters with people you only marginally tolerated for a week, but now it happens every other day. every other hour. headaches bloom behind your eyes and you think you can hear the tick of the clock in what others call silence.
sometimes you want to lie down, but you can't. people don't realize what you mean when you say, "i'm feeling ill." they stick thermometers in your mouth and flash a light into your eyes and conclude that you're lying. that you're not really sick.
but there are different kinds of sick, and people with the right brain chemistry don't really get it. can't really get it. someone once explained it as having a specific number of spoons, and you'd latched onto the explanation and never let go, because that makes more sense to others who need to know than a vague, "not today."
sometimes it works, but not always. you try, anyway, and try not to feel like you're the one who's broken when it doesn't work.
sometimes you want to lie down, but you can't. people don't realize what you mean when you say, "i'm feeling ill." they stick thermometers in your mouth and flash a light into your eyes and conclude that you're lying. that you're not really sick.
but there are different kinds of sick, and people with the right brain chemistry don't really get it. can't really get it. someone once explained it as having a specific number of spoons, and you'd latched onto the explanation and never let go, because that makes more sense to others who need to know than a vague, "not today."
sometimes it works, but not always. you try, anyway, and try not to feel like you're the one who's broken when it doesn't work.
microthoughts, pt 1
Dec. 7th, 2017 04:50 pmwhat strange creatures are we that value one above the other? that says, this is the real world? at once we are predators and prey; we fall to each other, to natural causes, to age. we scoff and think ourselves better than "animals." but which of the two treat others as things?